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August 23

Review Time: Six Star N.O. Fury

I feel like I'm in a need of a review of something..only problem, I have nothing to review...sooo, I went to Wal Mart, and I "bought" a tub of Six Star N.O. Fury. I say "bought" because I accidentally left it on the bottom of my cart and didn't pay for it. I share that information with you, because I believe a price of $0 will effect my overall opinion of the product.

I'm going to update this post every 10 minutes, as I drink, taste, and wait for the effects. I'm super bored, and the entire family has some stomach virus thing, so I have time to waste.

Ok, it suggests 1 scoop for ever 5 ounces of water. That seems like alot for such a small amount of water, so I'm sure the taste, whatever the case it may be, will be strong. Hopefully good.

I can feel the powder on the bottom of this here thimble...it's just not disolving very well. ugh, it feels like sand in the bottom of a wet boot. It smells like chemical. Something tells me I'm not going to like this...

Holy crap, it tastes like ass. Ugh, It reminds me of cough medicine and cheap whiskey. There was tons of undissolved clumpy crap at the bottom of the cup. The lumps looked like aborted rat fetuses.

Ok, now to wait and see if i feel any effects. I'll do some general chit chatting in the mean time

It says "If you weren't jacked by the N.O. Fury's power, gradually work your way up to 2-3 scoops until you reach maximum training intensity" I cannot imagine 3 scoops of this crap in my stomache. It says to add 5 oz for every scoop. Gross.

What the hell is with SixStar anyway? Every description of every product of theirs uses more colorful and over the top adjectives than William Shatner.

Let me take just a few descriptive words from the first paragraph of their Muscle Shake product: "superior, scientifically engineered, dramatically amplify, accelerate, ultra-potent, hyper-pure, infused with a mega dose, cutting-edge, explosive, super concentrated, packed into the best tasting formula ever developed, guaranteed to be a moment of pure satisfaction" Wow.

LOl, check the N.O descriptive goodness: "scientifically developed to deliver muscle-flooding pumps of nutrient-rich muscle-building blood! N.O. Fury is built with overpowering, pump inducing ingredients synergistically combined with anabolic activating agents and intensity catalysts unlike anything else".

That's a damn sales pitch eh?

Ok, been about 10 minutes, and my stomach sorta feels crappy. I feel a bit different than I did before. Either its the Power of the syngergistically combined awesomeness of the Fury of the NO...or I'm about to have mad diarrhea. With the stomach virus thing...it could easily be the latter.

20 min.

Feeling a bit energetic. Somewhat jittery maybe. Man did that stuff taste like crap. It seriously is enough to make me want to not drink it..ever again.

I'm going to do Plyo tonight, and I know I probably dont need N.O. Furytastic Awesome Explosion of Mightily Black Magical Powers for Plyo, as it is typically used for weight lifting, but I wanted to try it out, and I do tend to get weak anytime I do anything with my legs. Squat Reach Jumps are the same as Leg Pressing a Buick imo.

So...how is everyone? Me? oh i'm good, thanks for asking. Actually, that's not true. Life sucks at the moment, but I can't really tell because it's always like this.

25 min, and I just had a cramp in my stomach. Maybe reviewing this wasn't such a good idea when there's a chance I could be coming down with a stomach virus. If I vomit blood, how will we know who's the culprit?

Oh well, maybe Six Star will read my review and offer me money to change it. I'm a sellout, I'd change it in a heartbeat for some cash.

I also "purchased" the Six Star Muscle Building Milk shake Formula. The reason is because I really wanted a formula that has both protein AND creatine. Creatine drinks dont have protein, Protein drinks dont have creatine. This has both, but I was looking for my own version of the recovery drink. I wanted that 4 to 1` ratio of carbs/protein. This does not have that, so really, I accomplished nothing. At least I'm writing a review. Don't judge me.

I haven't tried the Milk Shake, but I hear it brings all the boys to the yard, and their right, it's better than yours. I could teach you, but I'd have to charge.

Apparently N.O. Fury makes me incoherently incorporate rap songs into my posts. Interesting.

30 min. I want to jam my finger into my Adams apple. My stomach is queezy, but I certainly feel energetic. Almost jittery. Jittery is a good term I think for it. 10 more min and i'm bout to "Bring It"

This week has sucked the life out of me. Dealing with tons of personal stuff and stress hasnt helped, but it also took away my ability to work out, due to so many factors. So add the stress onto the guilt of not working out, and you get a very depressed Loogie. So what does Loogie do when he's depressed? He comfort eats.

Sadly, my nutrition lately has been sub par. Not horrible, but compared to before, yah..horrible. I feel extra gooey, I need to really get back on track next week, for FINAL week of Phase 2. It'll be the 5th week of Phase 2, and I wont be sad to see it go. ugh.

Ok, time to press play. I'll update after...

Whew. I'm friggin beat. Plyo and then ARX. (on a side note, if you really want a good AB workout, do ARX after Plyo. I've done it twice, and both times really took ARX to a whole different level. Really a great feeling. Of horrible pain)

I honestly did not notice a difference at all during the workout. If anything, I was more tired than usual, but I know that's because I'm gooey and soft from a week of mediocrity on diet and abandonment on working out.

As I think back, jittery wasn't a good word to describe N.O. Fury. I think 2 or 3 scoops would really get me jittery. 1 scoop just seemed to energize me sliiiightly. And I think the powder solidified in my stomach. When I do CST on Monday I'll try 2 scoops and do a mini update.

The second half of Plyo was horrendous. I was mini-breaking all over the joint, but at least I completed it. I'm thinking Yoga X tomorrow, or another good cardio, since I'm really self conscious about the goo.

Thanks for reading. Not sure why you stuck with it this long, since I basically rambled...but hey, it's what I do best.

Just finished up with some of the Six Star Muscle Building Milk Shake, which you add to water. It suggests 2 to 6 scoops in 4 to 6oz of water. That sounds ridonkulous. I understand they want us to take as much as humanly possible without dying so we can continue to buy it, but 6 scoops? No thanks. I took 2, only because 1 scoop looked like butt piss.

2 scoops didn't look much better. it tasted like chocolate water, but in a surprising good way. It was pretty refreshing, not thick, but still tasty. I would guess it would taste great in milk w/ a banana, but at 280 calories per 2 scoops, I didn't want to add anything extra just before bed. It's 1am here and I'll be in bed in about an hr and a half probably.

Anyway, pretty tasty. It's good to have some creatine again

9:14 AM GMT | Read comments(0)

August 20

The “Who Gives a Fuck” Friday 5

5 pointless things that I fucking hate, but you seem to think we need.

5. Apostrophes

Seriously people, its fucking 2009. You dont need a God damn placeholder to show you that some letters are missing from a word humans have been using since..words. Tell me if you have any problems reading this sentence: Why dont you go fist your whore cousin?
Any problems there? Didnt think so. Welcome to the revolution. Stand up and boycott apostrophes! And while youre at it, fuck semi colons too.

4. Check out lines

Why in the mothershit do we still have to wait in line at grocery stores? Here, let me pull the entire world of POINT OF SALES into the fucking 21st century. Why cant we have shopping carts that tally the totals of every item in them, and as we walk past a fucking check out robot biscuit, it just sends the total to the apparatus, that then debits your Galactic Credit Account, or your fucking WAMU debit card? Huh? Youre welcome Wal Mart.

3. Cops

Yup. I said it. Cops are fucking pointless. You remember when the mob ran Vegas? How many muggings and murders were there THEN, huh? You wouldn't be scared to walk down the street. Unless of course you never paid your gambling debt to Guido the Ballcruncher. You think Meth was an issue when that one guy Joe Pesci played in Casino was running shit? No way. You think gangs would be slanging heroin on Tony "Shoot you in the dick with a stolen Tommy Gun" Italiano's turf? nuh uh. Dont believe me? Go watch "A Bronx Tale" you stupid twat. I wish I was in the mob. That would pwn

2. Money

Fuck money. If we didnt have money, we wouldnt need jobs. We could sit on our farms and whittle some form of awesome weapon, or a toothpick or something while our children are forced to work the field and pick enough vegetables to feed the family that night. If I want cable television, or a bag of pain pills, why can't I trade a fucking chicken for it? Or a few minutes with my wife? If I seem passionate about hating money, its because Ive spent years boycotting it. Mostly against my will.

1. Love

Give me one reason why we need love. Go ahead, I'll wait. (and yes, I used a fucking apostrophe in the word "I'll" because otherwise it just looks like the roman numeral 3, so fuck you. ONE instance where an apostrophe is needed does NOT warrant the necessity of apostrophes. fuck off)
They say "Love conquers all" and they're fucking right. It doesn't just conquer, IT DESTROYS. Hopes, dreams, lives, desires, wishes, and self confidence. They also say if Youve never loved, youve never lived. I say If youve never loved, Congratufuckinglations, because youve never been hurt. Love is Evol backwards, which is sorta like Evil, which means bad. Coincidence? I think NOT.

1:15 PM GMT  |  Read comments(0)

August 04

Not so fucking funny
Let me tell you something...Funny People MAY be a movie, but there are 2 things that it aint.. 1) it aint about people that are funny. andl 2) It aint fucking funny. Not at all.
Funny People was absolutely the worst movie I've seen in the last...i dont even know. I can't remember a worse movie. Perhaps not because there aren't any, but because I'm so transfixed on this hunk of cinematic shit that my judgment is blurred.

It's 2 hrs and 26 minutes long, which puts it in the realm of Lord of the Rings in length, but couple that with the fact that the "funny people" in it are as funny as Joe Pesci and Danny Glover in Gone Fishin' and you quickly start to feel every single painful second that sweet death has not yet taken you.

In fact, now that I think about it, Gone Fishin is actually fucking funnier.

I'm actually offended by this movie. I honestly feel like the entire movie was made to insult me, ridicule my children and attack the character of my dogs.

Forgetting the fact that Seth Rogan is in it, because lets be honest, Seth Rogan is in fucking everything from 40 year old virgin, to Apocolypse Now and fucking Dumb and Dumber. I bet his mom was an extra in the Godfather while she was fucking pregnant. Also, the fatter version of him is in this shitflick too. You know..the fatty from Superbad. They even refer to him as the "Triple XL version" of Seth Rogan. Funny right?   These are some funny fucking people here.

At one point in this cesspool of rotting, rancid and completely wasted film, there's a room filled with every single out of work comedian with a semi big name. This is so you can think "wow, there's alot of big names in this movie. It MUST be good" when in reality, there's bigger names working the snack stand. You remember "Be Cool" right? Admit it, you thought it was a good movie because of all the "big names" in it didn't you? You fucking douchebag. This is YOUR fault. Be Cool was fucking TERRIBLE you mother fucker. And so is Funny People.

A quick glance at the screen reveals such comedic icons as Dave Attel, Norm MacDonald, Sarah Silvergivemeafuckingjobpleasea

ndI'llsuckyouandyouruncleoff, and Ray Romano. The total pay for their appearances was probably $18.50 and a half a bag of corn nuts. And a blowjob from Silverman. Except for Ray Romano. He's so desperate for work, and so filthy rich, he probably paid them to let him appear. I'm sure he paid Silverman for a nut suck too. Skank. I wish Jimmy would've killed her.

Also, they were able to secure the comedy genius Eminem for a quick cameo. You know how Eminem is always confrontational in real life? You know how Eminem is always talking about how shitty life is when you're famous? You know how Eminem says it would be better to just die than to live in this shitty existence? Wouldn't it be so funny and fucking original to have him act EXACTLY the same fucking way in the movie? Wouldn't it be fucking FRESH to have him yell things at Ray Romano because Ray Romano looked at him? If you agree, then boy o boy will you be satisfied, because the director FUCKING NAILED IT.

You know how every movie or television show that has stand up in it, actually has HORRIBLE stand up in it? You know why? Because the writers that come up with good fucking stand up...STAND UP WITH IT. They don't put their top notch shit in an Adam Sandler movie...to DO FAKE STAND UP WITH IT. It doesn't happen. I knew this before I went to see this movie. Yet, somehow, I actually EXPECTED the stand up in this "comedy" to be good. It's my own fault really. I just assumed that no one would make a movie about stand up comedians, unless it actually was going to contain good stand up. Or even good comedy. The fact that the fake movie audiences were actually laughing at some of the fake stand up shit was actually FUNNIER than the fake stand up. It was actually laughable that the director thought he could give the impression that some of the stand up was funny. It was like he was trying to improvise a laugh track for his shit movie.   It actually reminds me of the fake laugh track in the old Flintstones cartoons. Those jokes were about twice as funny as anything Funny Assholes had to offer.

Notice I haven't included any plot lines, or spoilers? That's not because I dont want to. And trust me, I dont fucking want to, but more so because I can't. There was no plot. At all. Sandler is dying from Leukemia. We should be so fucking lucky. Seth Rogan is NOT dying, but I can fucking dream can't I? Then at some point, due to "an experimental drug" Sandler is no longer dying. "No trace of the disease". I'm sure all the people with Leukemia fucking appreciate that little pick me up..
There is still an 1 HOUR and 40 minutes left FROM THIS POINT. This is where the director really bends us over and fuck us with ground glass, tabasco sauce and and salt as lube.   Sandler and Rogan spend the next 1 hour and 40 minutes in Sandler's ex girlfriend's house trying to convince her to leave her husband and come back to Sandler. At the start of the movie, she hates his guts. An ex who wont take his phone calls. Refreshing and original right?
She finds out he's dying, she almost instantaneously falls back in love with him and of course forgives him for any past wrong doings. She then finds out he's not dying, and is so happy that she bangs him. Or maybe he only goes down on her. Honestly, I dont remember because I couldn't fucking care less at that point. There wasn't enough vicodin IN THE WORLD to make me pay attention.

That's it. The next 1 hr and 40 minutes they're in this chicks house, serving no purpose. There's nothing funny going on.   There's actually a 2 minute long home video of a little girl singing, that is so drawn out and over exposed, she HAS to be the director's daughter or some shit. This movie was the epitome of ass rape by way of film. I dont mean film like you can call a movie a film. I mean like literally fucking my ass with spools of film and film canisters.

there was maybe 4 times when I actually chuckled, all of which I had already laughed at during the trailer when they showed the only semi funny parts 4 months ago.    In one display of true comedy where-with-all, Sandler is making phony phone calls in that stupid ass high pitch voice he does. You know the one he used in Happy Gilmore when he gets closer than Shooter McGavin and he looks at him and says "Somebody's closer". That voice. Well anyway, he's doing phony phone calls somewhere doing that voice, saying something about pooping his pants and then just stops saying words all together and just starts making noises. And I swear to google, the actual audience starts laughing. Not the fake, in the movie audience. But my audience. The one I was part of. They were actually laughing. Let me dictate this.

Sandler is in high pitch "somebody's closer" character

"oogley...boogley. woof...wocka wocka blurbb blorug"

that is his prank phone call. Only it lasts for 3 minutes. God no fucking wonder this movie was so long and felt even fucking longer. I'm exhausted thinking about it.   Taking breaks to actually work, as I'm at work, It actually took me less time to write this review, than the time they spent in that whore's house.

BTW, here's the ending. Sandler and Rogan get into a huge fight. It becomes evident Sandler is truly an asshole. Then Sandler approaches Rogan a few days later and it becomes evident that Sandler wants to be friends again. Rogan smiles. Fade out. Roll credits.   I can only assume they rolled credits at that point because I threw my shoe up into the projection room and knocked the fucking projector and the fucking bastard running it over. Fuck that shit and fuck both of them bitches.

4:27 PM GMT | Read comments(0)

August 03

I'm a fat piece of crap. That's all there is to it.

Defcon food has raped my stomach like a very large demon with a face fetish.

I'm staying on property during the entire DefCon convention. I have as many comp meals as I need for our coffee shop, and nothing else. The food is acceptable. Tasty even. Providing it's not healthy.

Try to order the grilled salmon, and you get a hunk of brain matter that only proves to be from the ocean based on the smell that it assaults your nostrils with.

Give the "Lemon peppered Chicken Breast" a shot, and you'll quickly learn that "charbroiled to perfection" actually means "Thawed in toilet water, and microwaved until the faulty wiring in the restaurant causes the fuse to blow"...That could mean undercooked..it might be overcooked. The possibilities are...not endless at all. You'll learn that "Lemon peppered" means "screw you" and "chicken" means "screw you" and breast means "patty. screw you"

Those of us on a diet plan could find ourselves in a conundrum for sure. Keep in mind, I've been eating at this coffee shop since Monday..it's now SUNDAY. Thats 6 days.

I started off staying true to x form and went with a "Half Baked chicken". I think that was a literal description of the entree, as it was baked about halfway. In fact, the 80 year old waitress even asked me "how would you like that?"

me: "um...doesnt chicken only come prepared one way..you know..til its done?"
her: "if you say so..."
Me: "um..."

The next night, i went with crab legs. Those are healthy, high in protein etc. Sure I know they wont be marvelous, but at least I'm expecting them to suck. I can fight through it.

Her: "how would like those cooked"
Me: "what the hell is it with you guys? Dont they get cooked until they are no longer friggin raw?"
Her: "Whatever. Soup or salad?"
Me: "What's the soup?"
Her: "It's a bunch of salad thrown in a cup of broth"
Me: "um...salad I guess"
Her: "how would you like that cooked"

By mid week, I was only ordering cups of ice. My stomach had started digesting itself and I was having nightmares.

Then it happened.

Me: "sigh. I'll take the T-Bone" It's not too bad. Acceptable in a pinch
Her: "how would..."
Me: "MEDIUM RARE DAMMIT"
Her: "for a side? fries, baked potato?"
Me: "roasted vegetables please"

The steak was...actually great. Cooked perfectly. Fatty, but good.
Apparently their roasted vegetables are actually gag reflex actuators. I'm starting to notice a pattern. Healthy: no. Fatty: yup.

For lunch the next day, I went with "Steak Delmonico" Some slab of beef covered in sauteed spinach and then THAT was covered in cheese. I felt guilty when I decided on it, but went with it. It was pleasant. I went with fries this time. Perfection.

You see what's happening here right?

My coffee shop is actually programmed to remove your positive eating habits. Anyone staying in our hotel for longer than 2 meals is doomed. You have to order crap, or else you are literally ordering CRAP! It's diabolical and fool proof.

It's weeks end, and I've had burgers and quesadillas and fries and..ugh.
Couple all this food with no ability to work out and you could measure my guilt in actual units. Unlike the calories I've consumed, my guilt will not burn off by playing with myself or crying on the toilet.

I've decided that next week..tomorrow actually, I'm going home and doing doubles for the rest of the week. I feel horrible, fat and lethargic.

Tonight is my last meal at this coffee shop, and when I tell the waitress "check please" you can bet your ass, what I really mean is "screw you"

10:04 AM GMT | Read comments(0)

July 10

Workin it

Okay, Day 11 down. Yoga X with an Ab Ripper X make up session, since I had to bail a tad early yesterday to pick up a friend. I really dont know why I went to pick him up, because, well I hate him. Dont get me wrong, he's a great friend. He's not the type of friend who will bail you out of jail. He's the type of friend who will be sitting right next to you saying "damn...we f'd up. how we gonna make bail now?" But he's also the type of friend...well, let me re-hash the phone conversations for you. Lets call the friend...um...I'll play it by ear.

7pm
Me: suuuuup. We're on for tonight right? We're seeing Public Enemies right?

Douchezilla: yup. When are you picking me up?

Me: I have to work out and shower, so maybe 2 hrs?

Sausage jockey: 2 hours? Work out? You're weak. And fat. F you. Pick me up now.

Me: Um...how about suckle? I'll call you when i'm done.

Turd Burgler: You're stupid. Ok

*click*

31 minutes later
*ring*

Me: *pant pant* WHAT?

Hemorrhoid: Are you coming or what?

Me: I said 2 hrs, asstronaut.

Asstronaut: That was like an hour and 40 minutes ago.

Me: It was like 20 minutes ago.

Big Ben: So how long?

Me: Hey, does this sound like someone hanging up on you?

*click*

27 minutes later
*ring*
*sigh*

Me: WHAT?

Jack hole: What are you wearing?

Me: Your mom brought me some role playing stuff.

Son of hot mom: She still owes me a damn birthday present. Hey, I had to pay my lawyer today, so you have to pay for my movie ticket. And my power bill.

Me: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, what do you want?

The Suck: How much longer?

Me: I STILL have to do my ab routine, so...

The Tick: I hope you drop a weight on your face. And your dog eats your carcass.

Me: *sigh* FINE, i'm leaving now.

BFF: I love you.

Me: Die.

There you have it. Proof that true friendship is obtainable, if you just know how to speak to people.

Anyway, due to my BFF, I had to skip ARX and thus, tackle it today. But before the mighty ARX, i had Yoga, which I was actually looking foward to.

I was able to really stick with it, and did alot of the poses perfectly, with only a few painful moments, and was even able to do the reachy-under-thigh-around-back-thingy on one side. Jeah boyeee, I was excited about that.

Then I came to the balance poses. I'm about as graceful as an elephant. On roller blades. In mud. But I stuck with it, and wasn't doing horribly embarrassing.
(Now that I think about it, I was doing yoga in my underwear, so I guess the whole thing would probably be categorized as "horribly embarrassing") Anyway...Then came "crane" or as I like to now call it: "rug burn" Maybe if I really stick with it, next week, I can call it "chipped tooth" or better yet, "short term memory loss".

As I pushed through the pain of exposed muscle on my face, I was able to move on to..hell I dont even remember now. Shoulder stance? Or plough to shoulder stance? Or something that has nothing to do with your feet being straight up in the air, right up until the point they start to fall over your head and you learn exactly what your own navel tastes like.
In this house though, we've decided to call it "the part where we turn Yoga X off"
My wife has lovingly taught my children the unofficial title of "the one daddy was doing when he fell into the window and ripped the mini blinds off the wall".

My wife. So supportive...
If it was more painful when it killed, I would've went and bought some rat poison.

The first part of Yoga X is undeniably beneficial to the human body. I can feel it working immediately. I have NEVER been a believer in Yoga. Not that I didn't know it worked you out good or anything. I just didn't think it was any better than some good stretching and a quick cardio thing. The first 40 min of Yoga changed my mind completely, and I genuinely feel like the Warrior stances and blah blah, really will help to improve your fitness as well as your mind AND soul.
But "Rug Burn"? Sticking your feet up in the air so you look like a missle with no explosives? COME ON.

I'm not saying they're not good yoga poses. I'm saying, I'M NOT TAKING YOGA! I don't need Tony Horton to cram in as many yoga poses as a DVD Will hold. I ONLY need the poses that will benefit my body AS I TRAIN in p90x and beyond. If I like Yoga X and decide I want to further my Yoga knowledge, and want to learn how to transition from "rug burn" to "face plant into my HDTV" and from there into "shattered salt water aquarium" I'll goto a Yoga class in the prissy part of my town.

Whatever. dont judge me. I know yoga is one of the best things a person can do for themselves. I also know p90x is one of the best thinds a person can do for themselves. I ALSO know there's a blending of THOSE lines and the two may coincide TO SOME DEGREE. But to force feed me anything but overpriced protein bars and "super duper recovery drink to the x degree" is pushing it.

I have every "One on One with Yogy Yogarton" DVD, but haven't even looked at them yet, as I want to fully complete p90x first. I hear "Fountain of Youth Yoga" is much better, more to the point and quicker than Yoga X, but i'm going to stick with attempting Yoga X every week because...well, it gives me good writing material. And lets be honest. that's truly what we want here, right? emoticon

So maybe next week, I'll get a little deeper into yoga x, and if we're really lucky, I'll end up swallowing a few teeth. Or digesting part of my own stomach. Or *crosses fingers* sitting on my own face!

On a side note, I just got done telling my wife that the key to lifting heavy items is "to put it all in your groin and your back. Take your legs totally out of the equation. Lift with your lower back in a jerking, twisting motion."

11:38 AM GMT | Read comments(0)

OHAI

Loogie obviously doesnt give a fuck about this site... and neither should you.

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